Eulogy for Someone Who Took Their Own Life

A eulogy for someone who took their own life should focus on who the person was across their whole life, not on how they died. Most families find it helps to write between 700 and 1,000 words, share two or three memories that show the person's character, acknowledge the loss briefly and honestly, and avoid any detail of the method or final hours. You do not have to mention the cause of death at all if you do not want to, and many families choose not to. Whatever you decide, the eulogy is theirs, and it can be a place where they are remembered as the full person they were, not the way they died.

This is one of the hardest eulogies anyone can be asked to write. You may feel angry, confused, guilty, or numb. You may feel all of those things in the same hour. There is no right way to feel, and no perfect words to choose. What follows is a guide to help you make a start.

Table of Contents

• Why this eulogy feels different
• Should I mention how they died?
• What should I focus on?
• How do I handle the difficult feelings?
• What should I leave out?
• How do I end a eulogy like this?
• Looking after yourself while you write
• Frequently Asked Questions

Why this eulogy feels different

Most eulogies are shaped by sadness. This one is shaped by sadness and something else, something harder to name. You may find yourself asking questions that have no answers. You may want to write about the person and then realise you do not know where to begin. That is very common, and you are not alone in it.

"I started the eulogy three times. Each time I got to the second paragraph and stopped. I did not know how to write about my brother without writing about how he died. In the end, I just wrote about him. The way he died was not the most important thing about him. It just happened to be the last."

The loss is real, and so is the love. Both can sit in the same eulogy. You do not have to choose between honouring the person and acknowledging what happened. You can do both, gently, in your own time.

Should I mention how they died?

This is the first question most families ask, and there is no single right answer. Three approaches work, depending on your family, the room, and what feels true to you.

• Acknowledge it briefly, then move on. A single sentence near the start, then the rest of the eulogy is about who they were. Something like, "We lost Sarah too soon, and in a way none of us expected, but we are not here to talk about that today. We are here to remember her."
• Address it more openly, with care. Some families feel that pretending the cause of death did not happen makes the room more uncomfortable, not less. A short, honest acknowledgement, without detail, can give everyone permission to grieve. "Mark struggled with his mental health for many years, and in the end, that struggle took him from us. We loved him through every part of it."
• Do not mention it at all. This is also a valid choice. The eulogy can be entirely about who they were, with no reference to how they died. Many funerals are conducted this way, and no one in the room will think less of you for it.

Talk to your family before deciding. People may have strong feelings, and it is worth knowing where they stand before the day. If there are children in the room, your decision may also be shaped by what has already been said to them.

Whatever you choose, do not include any detail of the method, the place, or the final hours. These details serve no one. They do not honour the person, and they can cause real harm to others who are grieving or struggling.

What should I focus on?

The whole life. Not the last day, not the last year, not the part that ended. The whole life.

Aim to bring the person back into the room as they were when they were most themselves. The way they laughed. What they loved. The small things they did that made them who they were. Two or three specific memories, told well, will do more than any general praise.

Try to include:

• A memory that shows their personality. A trip, a meal, a conversation, a moment when they were fully themselves.
• Something they cared about. A cause, a hobby, a person, a song, a place.
• A small detail. The mug they always used. The way they answered the phone. The expression on their face when they were thinking.
• Something they gave you. A piece of advice, a habit, a way of seeing the world that you carry with you now.

"My sister was always the first to laugh at her own jokes. She told them badly, on purpose, just so she could enjoy the punchline herself. I miss that laugh. I will hear it in my head every time I tell a bad joke for the rest of my life."

You do not have to pretend they were perfect. You do not have to leave out the difficulties. But the difficulties are not the whole story. They are part of a much bigger picture, and the eulogy is your chance to paint that picture for the room.

How do I handle the difficult feelings?

You may feel anger. You may feel guilt. You may feel that you missed something, or could have done more, or should have known. These feelings are real, and they are common, and they are not the truth about you. Grief after a suicide is shaped by these questions, and most people who have lost someone this way carry some version of them.

The eulogy is not the place to work through these feelings. It is not the place for self-blame, for unanswered questions, or for anger directed at the person who died. The room is grieving too, and what they need is to remember the person together with you.

If those feelings are sitting heavily, write them down somewhere else first. A letter to yourself, a journal page, a conversation with someone you trust. Get them out of your head and onto paper, where they can stay. Then come back to the eulogy with a clearer mind.

You may need to do this more than once. That is alright. Take the time you need.

What should I leave out?

A few things are best left out of any eulogy after suicide.

• The method. Never describe how the person died.
• The place. Where they were found, or where it happened, is not for the eulogy.
• The final note, if there was one. A note written by someone in their last hours was written in pain, and it does not represent the whole of who they were. Quote nothing from it in the eulogy unless you are absolutely sure they wanted those words shared, and even then, choose carefully.
• Speculation. About why. About whether anyone could have prevented it. About what they were thinking at the end. None of us know, and the eulogy is not the place to guess.
• Anger directed at the person. Even if you feel it, the funeral is not where it belongs. Take that feeling somewhere else, to someone you trust, where it can be held with care.

The eulogy is a small window onto a whole life. What you choose to show in that window matters. Choose the things that make the room feel closer to the person, not further away.

How do I end a eulogy like this?

The closing should be short, and addressed to the person if it feels right.

You might end with:

• A thank you. "Thank you for everything you gave us. We are going to carry it with us."
• A wish. "I hope, wherever you are, you have found the peace you needed."
• A simple goodbye. "Goodnight, love. Sleep well."

Avoid anything that frames the death as a choice the person made freely. Most suicides are the result of pain that became unbearable, often shaped by illness that distorted how the person could see the world. The closing line is not the place to interpret what happened. It is the place to say goodbye.

Looking after yourself while you write

Writing this eulogy will ask a lot of you. Please be gentle with yourself. Take breaks. Eat something. Sleep when you can. If the writing brings up feelings you cannot hold alone, please talk to someone, a friend, a family member, a counsellor, or a support service. You do not have to carry this on your own.

If you are struggling with your own difficult feelings, please reach out to someone who can help. There are people trained to listen, day and night, in every country, and they want to hear from you.

If shaping all of this into a finished eulogy feels like more than you can manage, we can write one for you, based on the memories you share.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should I tell the room how my loved one died?

Only if you and the family feel it is right. Some families find honesty helps everyone grieve more openly. Others prefer to focus entirely on who the person was, without referring to the cause of death. Both choices are valid. Talk to your closest family before deciding, and respect what feels true for them as well as for you.

Can I include the person's struggle with mental illness in the eulogy?

Yes, if it feels right. Many families find that acknowledging the person's struggle, briefly and with care, can be a powerful part of remembering them honestly. It can also help others in the room who are struggling silently. Keep it short, keep it kind, and make sure the eulogy does not become only about the illness. The person was much more than their illness.

What if I am too angry to write something kind?

That is a very normal feeling, and you are not alone. Anger after a suicide is part of grief, not a failure of love. If the anger is too close to the surface, consider asking someone else to write the eulogy, or to read it on your behalf. You can still attend the funeral. You can still grieve. You do not have to be the one who speaks if you cannot.

Is it alright to include humour?

Yes, gently. A funny memory that captures who the person was is a gift to everyone in the room. Most people who died this way still made others laugh during their life, and ignoring that part of them does them no justice. Choose a story that honours their humour without making light of what happened.

Will the eulogy make people in the room uncomfortable?

A eulogy after suicide is always going to carry some weight. That is unavoidable. What helps the room most is not pretending nothing has happened, and not dwelling on it either. A eulogy that focuses on the person, with a brief and gentle acknowledgement if you choose to include one, allows everyone to grieve together. The room will follow your lead. If you are tender, they will be tender too.